Goodnight Stepfie - 09 November, 2016
Trumped_diary - 09 November, 2016
It's All Over Now. - 30 November, 2012
2011-2012 update - 19 July, 2012
Welcome back Newman - 28 March, 2011

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04 March, 2011 - 6:00 p.m.

I believe in my last entry, on 6th November, I promised the following entry to be filled with fluffy bunnies! But it seems that I only update when things are shitty! Well, things are INDEED shitty! And there is my biggest understatement of the millennium!

Newman and I are over.

Since my last entry, we made up. Better than that, we have been extremely happy. Very few arguments.

But he cheated on me on Friday night. And we�re over. Without going into detail (because I can�t bring myself to betray him as much as he was clearly able to betray me) he has some psychological issues. That doesn�t really cover it, but it�s the best way I can put it here, without going into more detail. Maybe I shall elaborate in a private entry. If I do, I shall update here to direct you!

For now, I shall just sum it up by saying he has psychological issues. So the cheating was actually sort of a symptom of this. Because of this, there is no coming back from this. He has finished it. Even if I could forgive him, we would still be over. He had to end things. And knowing what he did, so did I.

So the man, whom I loved more than life itself, and I are no longer together. I will no longer grow old with him. I will no longer have another child with him, which we were starting to think about. Everything has gone. I am destroyed. I haven�t felt this kind of hurt and pain since my dad died 10 years ago. 2 hours is the longest I can go without crying. But most of the time I�m fighting the tears off constantly. You know that sicky feeling you have when you�re trying not to cry? I pretty much have that constantly! I feel like my heart and guts have been ripped out, both have been beaten by a baseball bat, then forcibly inserted back in via my throat! It is every bit as upsetting as when my dad died. The feeling is virtually the same. But I feel bad comparing it! My dad left without wanting to, without intentionally doing anything that he knew would hurt me. Unlike Newman. He knew what he was doing, but didn�t stop himself. He knew the moment he was about to cheat that we were over. He knew that moment, the moment the desire took over him, that he had to finish with me. But deciding in your head that your relationship is finished IS NOT THE FUCKING SAME as your relationship BEING finished!!!!!! It is not finished until you tell you partner you FUCKING BASTARD! He told the person he went clubbing with, then shagged and spent the night with, that his relationship was over!

BUT HE DID NOT TELL ME!

He was supposed to be here Saturday morning. He usually comes home on a Friday evening, but he�d had a head injury at work and felt too out of sorts to travel home!! HA! Yeah, OK!!!! I believe he saw the opportunity to test himself. He knew he was having desires, and decided that the work injury (which was genuine) was the perfect opportunity. He�d go out and see what happened. I believe he wanted to see if his desires were so strong that he was willing to give up the woman and children he loves so much. He didn�t want to finish with me, THEN discover the desire wasn�t that strong after all. He would have destroyed his life for nothing! So therefore, he wanted to test himself. However, he got too drunk to control himself. He discovered the desire was indeed strong enough to give up his family, but was too drunk to control himself and do it the right way.

So, Saturday morning, K was all bathed, hair washed, and dressed up, waiting for Daddy to arrive and take us out to Pizza Hut or TGI Friday�s, as he�d promised the night before. The day before, K and Monkey had even prepared a light dinner of hoi sin chicken spring rolls for his dinner that night. I had told him this. He said that it made him feel guilty for not coming home that night and instead leaving it until the following morning.

FUCKING OBVIOUSLY NOT FUCKING GUILTY ENOUGH YOU FUCKING WANKER!

So there we were, Saturday morning, K all ready, me all ready, Monkey all ready. But no early morning text, as promised, to tell us what time he�d be with us. 11.30am, I called him. Maybe he was just going to turn up and surprise us?! I rang him! He rejected my calls half a dozen times!! You know it�s being rejected when each call rings a different number of times before going to voicemail!! And the very first call rang a long time, before being answered, (clearly a �just woken up� fumbling mistake!) and immediately hung up!!! Eventually he just switched off his phone!!!

K, Monkey and I, were all sitting ready waiting for Daddy to arrive and take us out for a meal, as promised. While we were doing that, he was still asleep in the bed of the dirty piece of shit (who apparently is in a relationship, too!!!!) that he�d fucked senseless the night before!!!! While we were worrying about his head injury and excitedly looking forward to seeing him the next day!!! When he was awoken from his filthy crime scene by my phone call, he simply repeatedly rejected my calls, then switched off his phone! Then just left it off all weekend!!! He could have sent a text to apologise that he wasn�t feeling well and just couldn�t face the journey home. Yes, it would have been a lie, but would have been better than just leaving us sitting waiting for him! Leaving his children sitting there waiting for him!! Leaving me to worry that his head injury had worsened!

Maybe he was rejecting my calls because he was in the hospital and obviously you�re not allowed your phone on in hospital. I rang his local accident & emergency department to see if he�d been admitted! It crossed my mind he may be dead in bed. His housemates wouldn�t know he was there, as he always comes home at the weekend. I thought maybe he�d lost his phone on the way home. Even though he�d texted me at 10pm to say he was safely home and was going to bed!!!!!!!!!! I thought, maybe he�d lied about that, to make sure I went to bed without worrying about him, then had gone out drinking and had lost his phone. I thought maybe whoever had found or stolen his phone (maybe he�d been beaten up!?!??!?!?!!) was rejecting my calls.

Or maybe he had cheated on me?!

But surely not!!!! He had sworn undying love to me on the phone at 9.30pm! Said that we were forever and ever! And that I could trust him wholly and completely!! That he could NEVER cheat on me!! (I had made a comment about feeling too insecure for him to take a temp job at a pub while he waited for another contract to come up) That we had been through too much and he loved me so much!!!!! He would NEVER cheat on me!!!

So, of course that couldn�t be it!!

Or could it??????????????????!?!?!?!?!?!

Had he cheated or was he injured/dead???

I sent him a long email, much along the lines of some of this entry. I told him I was worried he mightn�t even get to read it as I wasn�t sure if he was dead or alive. I told him my fears. I told him I even had the fear he may have cheated and been rejecting my calls because he was still in bed with his one night stand. But that I didn�t truly believe that because of the things he�d said and the closeness we have. I said the only reason the idea had crossed my mind was because I was insecure, but that I didn�t truly believe that!!! I couldn�t believe he would do that to me, but more importantly, I couldn�t believe he�d leave his children sitting there waiting to go out just to fuck someone else!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got an email on Sunday afternoon!! Just a few sentences to tell me he�d cheated on me and hated himself for it, and that we are over.

I emailed back and he gave me more detail. I emailed for more precise detail, and then got them!!!!! Ouch! Oh well I did insist he give me all the explicit details!! I needed them! All the scenarios and positions were in my head anyway, so I needed to know which ones I could discard! Hmmmm�� apparently none of them!!! But, oddly, it did help to know exactly what happened between them. A) it meant I could stop my imagination making the rules, B) it meant I knew for definite it was over. And C) it helped me hate him!! And hate is such a more empowering emotion than sadness or grief! Sadness and grief is debilitating. Anger helps you to fight, and pull yourself out of your pit of despair and actually do something other than curl up, cry your heart out and die! Although my hatred is fighting madly with my sadness and grief!! And not winning currently. But at least it does cut into and dilute my sadness and grief at times!

So, the upshot is, we�re over. He still loves me more than anything in the world, but he can�t be with me. (I�m sorry, I know this is hard to understand without all the �psychological� details!)

So I am dying. The pain is killing me.

But the upside is that I have discovered how many true friends I have!! Even those I thought were only acquaintances have been a real loving support system!! I am one lucky, lucky lady!! Newman has no true friends. Fucky McWankstain isn�t a �true� friend! He�s ok if he wants to chat or go out drinking. But that�s it! Newman has no-one he can actually talk to! Apart from me!!!! Even his family aren�t that close. They certainly wouldn�t understand or be supportive to this! He�s stuck in that rented room that he hates. In a house he hates. With housemates he hates. In the town he hates! And after next week, he will have no work! And no money!

Score!

I win!

Now, if I can just get rid of this excruciating pain��������..




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